Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.

Make Art

2011-05-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

"Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art" Andy Warhol

I love this. A CMC friend posted it and talked about how it's good to remember because it's easy as a songwriter to be so focused on writing the perfect song, the perfect line--that you never end up writing anything. That's challenged me the last few days to just write and not critique what comes out until after it's out. That's my new goal--to remember to write and save rewriting for later.

Mmhmm!

2011-05-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

This is SO cool. Check it out. Paul Simon invites a fan to play his song at his concert!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXBlY5CImUU

Oh yeah. That's music right there.

Week One of Real Life

2011-05-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Oh man. It's been a while since I've written anything. Whoops. Let my summarize:

I graduated on May 7th.
I am now a real adult.
That's scary.

I have a job at a sports center working in child care, running day camps and occasionally doing some birthday parties. I'm also trying to get a second job at CCU doing summer conferencing.

I'm working two jobs because I am a) scared that I won't be able to make enough money to be a real adult and b) because I want to move back to Nashville in the fall--and that is gonna take money. I wasn't so sure about moving back to Nashville, but Fleming of course made some good points when he said "I don't know why you wouldn't. You want to keep doing music--and that's where music is. You're not tied down in any way and this is the only time in your life you'll be able to do something like just pick up and move without a million other considerations." He's right. So--barring any life altering changes in the next few months, the plan is to end up in Nashville. I'm excited about that because there are CMC friends who will be living there as well and I just miss that community of musicians. What I have in Denver can't compare.

The fact that I graduated is surreal and seems almost menial. I don't feel like a different person for having graduated at all. I thought I was supposed to feel different. But I don't. I keep having to look at the pictures from last weekend to remember that it actually happened. Weird.

Lastly--I've been writing a little since I've been back, but it's hard. How do I know if the songs I'm writing are any good if I don't have anyone to play them for who will give me honest feedback?

Best 24 Hours Ever

2011-05-04T22:55:00.000-07:00

That was one of the best 24 hours of my life. Kylie, Whitney, Murphy and Joe came through Denver on their tour to California and it was incredible. To start off, we played a show at Quixotes True Blue Bar last night. Granted, there weren't many people there, but it was so good to hear Kylie and Whit's songs again and get to play with my CMC friends. After the show, Joe and Chris left to hang out with other Denver friends so Kylie, Whit and I spent the night eating a frozen pizza and drinking warm beer, reminiscing about CMC and catching up. Priceless.

Today the original plan was to get a rehearsal in and play another show at Quixotes. However, after much debate and a few alternate plans that fell through, we ended up just hanging out. We went to Lookout mountain and took a lot of great pictures--enjoyed the mountains of Colorado. Then we went downtown, ate at Johnny Rockets and then the guys got beer at Yard House while me, Kylie and Whit got goodies from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

And that's why I love Colorado--mountains and city in the same day.

Having them here really cemented the fact that CMC is truly a family and that the relationships I have there will last a lifetime. It's a bond different than anything else I have in any other group. I think I love it more than I understand, and I think it's consequences run deeper than I'm aware. I'm convinced that music is a large part of why that bond is so significant and will be so lasting. There's something about growing close with people all focused on something so intricate, personal and moving as music. It changes you.

I wouldn't trade my experience for anything.

One Week Later...

2011-04-29T11:57:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been gone from the CMC for almost exactly a week. It's been a weird week--I've been relaxed, busy and bored. Had a lot to do, and a lot of nothing to do. I've been reunited with friends and feel like I was genuinely missed by a number of people--a nice way to feel!

I've moved in with Natalie at her parent's house and I'm about half way unpacked. I have basically no motivation to finish unpacking however. Also--I have a job! And I will start working Tuesday which is nice that I can start getting hours so soon. It's at the gym that Natalie works at with the Little Kickers program so I'll be helping run kids day camp, soccer classes, child care and stuff. Not sure exactly what all I'll be doing but--I'm pretty sure I can get plenty of hours and it will pay as well as anything else I can get right out of school. So that's been a huge blessing.

It's been really nice outside the last two days which has helped my mood since I've definitely struggled with being sad and missing people from CMC. In fact--I think I'll go find something to do outside instead of be on this computer any longer!

Not What I Expected

2011-04-23T20:39:00.001-07:00

I'm back. It's surreal. Denver doesn't feel like home today. I see people I know and it doesn't excite me like I thought it would. All I want is to be back in my family. The CMC.

Didn't know I was Lacking

2011-04-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

I found support I didn't know I was lacking this semester. I have an amazing group of friends and mentors at CCU and I thought I was complete--that was all I needed. But I realized as we sat in a circle last night sharing our thoughts about the semester that I had found something I was missing before and I didn't even know it. The people here supported me in a way no one else has--it was about my music. People here actually had genuine interest in my music and what I wanted to. They were patient with me as I had an identity crisis and was Amy Lee one week, Carole King another and a female Damien Rice the next. Being supported here in that way made ME believe in my music and see myself as a musician, a singer and a songwriter in a way I never had before. This was exactly what I needed.

Time to Face Reality

2011-04-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

The reality is
I am a mediocre songwriter
I am a mediocre singer
I am a mediocre pianist

I am a mediocre musician and more than likely this semester will be the highest point I will reach with my music. Put me in a room with people and I'll probably stand out as a songwriter, singer and pianist. But put me in a room with actual talent and I will not stand out--and that's just the truth. My voice--even if I were to dedicate a lot of time to working on it, will never have the kind of tone I want it to. It will never be an adequate medium to communicate the music I write--and that music is so hard for me to write in the first place. It doesn't come easily. I don't think I have a natural gifting for music or songwriting, I just love it.

But--if I'll never truly be stand out or exceptional, am I just wasting my time? I think the answer might be yes--but if that's true, then what am I supposed to be doing with my time--my life? I'm not really standout at anything.

Understanding Obsession

2011-04-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because the weather has been incredible this week or maybe it's because I slept the perfect amount last night, but I am in a wonderful mood this morning. I spent last night recording Not Coming Home and it is turning out fantastic. Joe learned the song about ten minutes before we started tracking and we've got three solid guitar parts, some hand percussion, bass and a scratch vocal. Ah. It's gonna be awesome. It's almost Damien Rice sounding which leads to further confusion about what "my sound" really is--but it's a great song nonetheless.

This morning I went into the studio and sat at the console. It can be a bit intimidating-but I sat there and stared at all the flashing lights and then, I opened a ProTools file. And listened. And then I opened another one, and then another. For an hour I just sat there opening my files, listening to them, muting and soloing tracks. I felt like a magician--but I was really like a toddler. Anyway, sitting there, I understood why people become addicted to the studio. I understood why they are obsessed with getting as much time in the studio as they can. Suddenly, I feel obsessed with the studio and music. I'm getting closer to wanting music enough to throw myself into chasing after it 100%.

Such a good night and it will continue to be a good day becuase I'm leaving for a Fitz and the Tantrums concert in a hour. Mmmmm. This has been a good, good semester.

Capo Gremlins

2011-04-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

I think life after graduation is slowly coming together--at least for a few months. Right now it looks like I'll be moving back to Denver and living with a friend and her parents there. I'll be back about two weeks for graduation so I hope to get a head start on finding a job in that time. I don't have any plans past the summer yet, but I'm feeling good about living in Colorado through August right now. So that's good.

The theme of the next few weeks will be recording, recording, recording. I'm pretty excited about that. I just wish there was more studio time available. I have at least three or four more songs I want to get recorded before I leave which would mean I would leave with a total of seven or eight songs. I don't know where I'm going to find that studio time, but I'd like to try.

A few of us are going to Cincinnati Sunday to see Fitz and the Tantrums--I'm so excited! We covered one of their songs on tour in Tavis's set so it will be really fun to hear them play it. They're music is just so....fun. Gonna be a GREAT show.

Finally--I've been playing guitar a lot more recently. In fact, I've barely played the piano since tour. All my writing and fiddling around has taken place on the guitar. I'm developing some nice callouses for sure, but my fingers are really sore. I think it's helping my creativity to be on a different instrument where things sound and feel new still. Every time I sit at the piano, I just feel like everything I play sounds the same, it's impossible for me to come up with anything new. So guitar has been a welcome change. However, I swear their are gremlins in my guitar case that steal my capo because every time I open my case, the capo is missing and I have to go searching for it and always find it in the strangest of places. Damn you, Gremlins. Just lemme play.

Not Coming Home

2011-04-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

Wrote this today. Really like it.

What if the best thing I could do for you, for me
Was walk away--could you let me?
What if today I said I wasn't coming home--I'm not coming home
Could you believe the best we could be is apart, you're falling apart

ooo let this distance be my love
ooo let the distance be my love

What can I say? I am not all that you are wanting me to be
I'm not enough--don't make me try
What can I say? Already been too long, gone too far
And the more that I say the more I am crippling you

ooo let this distance be my love
ooo let the distance be my love

What is the best thing I could do for you, for me?

Blah boys.

2011-03-30T22:10:00.001-07:00

Just bored of boys, okay? This is who I attract:

bad boys.
good boys who are in really confusing seasons of their lives.

the end. Awesome. So tired of that.

Cedarville

2011-03-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well. Since Greenville we've played at Wheaton College, had a free day in Chicago (which I spent as a lazy bum hanging around the hotel) and tonight we're playing at Cedarville University. Tomorrow we're at Malone University, Monday is Asbury University and then Tuesday we finish the tour with a show at the CMC. Every night I am more and more convinced that I love music and want to do it--which is scary because I don't know how. I don't know if I can. I don't know if the world will let me. But I want to. I love it.

On another note. I've just been thinking a lot about friendships and relationships lately. I realized that I have a hard time claiming what is mine in relationships--especially once it has been threatened. After that happens, I constantly feel insecure and become hyper sensitive--and I don't think people around me realize I can be that fragile. But I can. However, I think I need to work on being better at owning what is mine and not letting others take it from me. So that's my motivational thought for now.

Currently there is some kid on stage performing.....country rap. Not sure how that is even a genre but...okay. More cowbell please.

Greenville

2011-03-23T17:33:00.001-07:00

Well. I'm sitting in the green room at Greenville college in Greenville, Illinois waiting for the show to start. Hows that for a lot of green? In about 30 minutes I"ll play in my first official CMC Live show. I cut and dyed my hair last night as well as acquired some glasses to make me look like Edna Mode from the Incredibles and tonight everyone says I look like her combined with a sexy librarian. So that's good I guess. Anyway--I'm pretty excited for tonights show. Everything on the stage is pretty loud (because this auditorium has a lot of cement walls so it's great for choirs, bad for band sound) so I'll likely be deaf by the end of the show--but no worries. It's totally worth. There have been a lot of issues with our show tomorrow at Wheaton college so I'm not even sure if it will end up happening.

It was mid 70's yesterday with a ton of humidity in Nashville. It's expected to be in the 30's tomorrow at Wheaton. Dang it. I was getting really used to the warm sunshine. Well. It's time to get my act together I suppose. Show time!

Colorad-sick

2011-03-20T15:11:00.001-07:00

I've never been one for being homesick. I mean sure, I miss home and family while I'm a school--but I've never been the type to have homesickness distract me or hold me back. However here, in Tennessee, I am debilitatingly homesick for Colorado. I think it's because I miss MY friends. I miss DEEP friendships. I miss MY group with OUR inside jokes and the way we just know how to read each other, how we know how to love each other, and how we are all pretty much on the same page. Maybe I'm too attached to them though. I mean, what if I'm so attached to what I have in Colorado now, that I won't ever be satisfied anywhere else? That's dangerous because what I have now in Colorado truly is temporary. The relationships aren't, but the we're-all-in-one-place-together probably is. Most of these friendships are most likely going to end up being long distance. I think I need to learn to invest more into where I am instead of just missing where I'm not/where I was.

That being said--I would love to see a familiar Colorado face right now. Someone who knows who my friends/mentors are in Colorado. Someone who understands and doesn't need prefatory remarks about my life before everything I say.

My Eyelids Hate Me

2011-03-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

Well. Scratch Track came and did a show here last night and it was pretty fantastic. Two guys doing some sweet stuff with beat boxing, loops and a guitar. Good show for sure.

I ended up staying up till 2 a.m. trying to record B3 for Tavis but we couldn't get it to work and so I went to bed around 2 or 2:30 and then got up to be back at the studio at 6:00 only I slept through my alarm and didn't get here till 6:30 but it was fine 'cause my tech slept through his alarm too and didn't get here till 7:00.

Currently, Tyler is working on guitar for Queen of May but having a hard time for it because the more we've rehearsed it, the more Rick has been telling us to speed it up so now the recording is definitely slower than we play it live and thus Tyler is having to completely redo his solo right now--at 7:45 a.m. I feel bad. Needless to say this recording session is not the smoothest we've ever had. But--we're working on two songs at once so we're definitely ahead of the game so it's okay I suppose.

Well. I really need to go find coffee.

Lidocaine

2011-03-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

Well I'm sick so that's obnoxious. I've had a crazy sore throat the last three days and decided to go to the doctor today because I was suspecting strep throat. Got two strep tests (yay me) and the first one turned up negative--so they sent the second one out to be cultured or something and I'll have those (more reliable) results Thursday or Friday. Until then, we're hoping it's just a ton of sinus drainage so I'm taking a butt load of Sudafed and got a prescription for Lidocaine--5 bottles of it to be exact. I don't think I'll be running low on that anytime soon. The stuff tastes terrible and makes me gag but man--it totally numbs my throat and very swollen tonsils so I'll put up with it.

I had to miss all my rehearsals today and I'm really bummed about that. Usually when I'm sick I'm all about getting out of as many things as I can to just rest but I really feel like I needed the rehearsal time. And mostly I felt up to it--but since I could potentially have strep it wasn't worth risking getting everyone else sick we all share mics and practice in a very small, very warm room. So--I'm just chillin' at home all day.

Tour starts in 5 days. I better be better by then.

Update of Sorts

2011-03-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

I finally broke through two weeks of writer's block. It's been a really, really rough last two weeks. Quite a roller coaster.

*Boy issues. (Happy to report that I'm finally on the "not-worth-my-time-and-I-deserve-better" train.

*Kayleen rolled her car Monday night on the freeway headed back to BSU. Thankfully she's okay, but it was really scary to know that things could have turned out very different.

*Tour scheduling has come out and changed several times and at no one point has everyone been happy with the way things are. As it stands, I'll be performing the Queen of May song and I'm pretty excited about it.

A few good tid bits of news:

*Planning a tour with 5 other people from here on the way back to Colorado. We'll play basically across the country, stopping in Colorado for my graduation and continuing on to California to hang out at a friend's condo--go to the beach--and potentially play at the House of Blues. This tour will also include camping at Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon.

*I might get to see a few people from CCU because our tours (CMC and CCU band) overlap in Chicago this month.

*Kate from JillandKate (they do their own music and are Kelly Clarkson's back up singers) really like my song Red Lights and told me they've had it stuck in their heads since last weeks show. So that's really nice. That song was one of the ones Tom said I should get rid of. So--really glad I trusted my intuition on that.

I think things are hopefully finally looking up. It helps that I was finally able to write a song. I am going to be happy and the last few bad weeks won't carry over into the next few weeks. Well--I need to pay attention in class now--it could probably actually be beneficial to learn about publishing and copyrights.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

2011-03-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

1. locked my keys in my car the other day
2. friends helped me get them out but apparently caused damaged to my door because:
3. it's raining today and my car is filled with water. not filled. but you get the idea
4. tour line up came out and while I'm in it and doing a song I really like, totally got screwed because:
5. gave me the most make shift band ever
6. really hungry
7. really want a shower
8. had one of "those" conversations last night
9. voice hurts
10. it's still raining

Awesome.

Criminals

2011-03-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

Best show of my life tonight. Best vocal performance of the semester. Totally engaged and people followed. Band pulled this shit off after just 2 rehearsals. I stuck with songs I knew were good despite what someone else told me. I looked good. (haha) I had fun. It was perfect.

I also locked my keys in my car and three of the guys broke into my car to get them out. Highlight of the night for sure. They had to work at least forty five minutes for it. It was just so cool seeing them look like legit criminals. I think they tried at least six different things before we found something that worked including hangers, sticks and metal rods.

Love. My. Life. Hope I still do after game tape. Also--we won't be finding out about the tour lineup tomorrow anymore. Knew something would happen.

Bananagrams

2011-03-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

Last CMC Live tonight before tour prep starts. I'm doing two songs that I have done about 743.5 rewrites of. I'm pretty happy with the final outcome, but I'm pretty sure that out of all the people on stage with me tonight, I will be the one most unsure of how the song goes. We've only had two rehearsals and because of all the rewrites I get kind of confused about what the song actually is now. I forget the words to one song all the time. BUT--I will think positively about it and I'm sure it will be just fine. Anyway, just excited for the show in general tonight.

After the show, we'll have game tape Friday morning and then we'll find out what the tour lineup is going to be. Right after that we'll have an entire weekend of rehearsals and hammer time on Monday we'll just run straight through the set and then begin to make changes. Thursday we do the show again, rehearse again over the weekend, hammer time again Monday, the next Thursday will be a public show, rehearse over weekend, dress rehearsal Monday and then our first show is Tuesday. We have a nine day tour with tentatively seven shows planned so far. It's gonna be crazy awesome insanity. As soon as we get back--it's spring break time! Then a few more weeks where we focus mostly on recording and then........we're done. Wow. Time has and will continue to fly by. I don't know what my role will be on tour, but obviously I would hope to get to do a few of my songs. So we'll see on Friday I guess.

Lastly. I have recently discovered the game Bananagrams and I am absolutely addicted to it. It's pretty much always being played in our apartment anytime anyone is home now. I just love word games. I consider it an aid to my songwriting: vocabulary expansion or something. Good times.

Tornados and Jacuzzi's

2011-02-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

On the CMC retreat in the Smokey Mountains. It's been a glorious, rainy two days that I have loved. My room has a California king sized bed and a jacuzzi. Ohhhh yeah. Very relaxing. Very needed break. Had some time to just journal and read and think in an uninterrupted fashion and this is some of what I have been thinking about:

Love is a selfish commodity. At least until you're married. Because love and relationships are all about evaluating how this other person fits into your life, how they make you feel, and trying to determine if they are someone you want around for the next fifty or sixty years. It's selfish until you make the commitment to no longer be selfish.

My life doesn't not look religious. I am not prone to being religious. I'd like to be real instead. But being/looking religious is easier to achieve, easier to define, and more readily recognized and respected by others. Being real is hard to define, hard to do, and frequently makes most other people uncomfortable. But I prefer reality to religiosity.

Rocky Mountains trump the Smokeys. No contest.

And lastly--we spent the afternoon in Gatlinburg after tornado watches passed and I wore shorts and a thin sweatshirt and moccasins. Not a good choice when it's pouring buckets of rain outside. We crammed 20+ people into a 15 passenger van. Best last semester of college ever. Real life will never compare.

Chewed Up and Spit Out

2011-02-25T12:04:00.001-08:00

Well. The show last night was fine. But this morning I had one of the "profs" here listen to the songs I'm supposed to be performing this week (and one I'm supposed to record tonight from midnight till 6 am) and he said he didn't like anything about either of them.

so that's cool.

Here's the deal. I can agree with a few of the critical remarks he had, yes, the lyrics of one song could be clearer and tighter. But. I disagree. I think they are good songs. And I hope it's not just because they're my songs. Part of it is that he is only hearing piano/vocal take and I don't mean for them to be piano driven songs. I just wrote them on piano. They're going to be acoustic guitar driven, kind of....ambient/folk/driving/mesh of sweetness.

But it's conflicting and confusing. Do I take every bit of feedback they give and implement it all? Do I trust myself and just ignore most of what everyone else says? Do I only listen to a few select people--and if so--which people? Is it just a matter of personal preference/taste? Or is he right? He showed me two examples of songs he thinks are the sound I'm aiming for done correctly. But the thing is--one of his complaints about one song was that it musically didn't go anywhere, the changes weren't interesting. But the first song he played for me of a "right" example was Love Song by Elton John. Hi--that song has two chords. I don't understand. Am I just being tested to see if I have good musical intuition and if I will stand my ground and trust what I think? I have no clue.

This calls for a grande carmel macchiato sub cinnamon for vanilla over ice. Or a shot. Either one really.

Queen of May

2011-02-23T13:35:00.000-08:00

"The May Queen is a girl (usually a teenage girl from a specific school year) who is selected to ride or walk at the front of a parade for May Day celebrations. She wears a white gown to symbolise purity and usually a tiara or crown. Her duty is to begin the May Day celebrations. She is generally crowned by flowers and makes a speech before the dancing begins. Certain age groups dance round a Maypole celebrating youth and the spring time. According to popular British folklore, the tradition once had a sinister twist, in that the May Queen was put to death once the festivities were over. " (Wikipedia "May Queen")

Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display
Subject to their prying eyes she cannot get away
Every breath she takes they speculate if it's in or out
She cannot move without consequence it's not allowed

Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen

Like an accident on the interstate, they couldn't turn away
Watching as she fell apart a little more everyday
So go ahead give them what they want, give 'em all a show
'Cause your chance at happiness left long ago

Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen
To live away from all the eyes and need no disguise
Never choke back another sigh and not fear goodbyes

Make believe couldn't ease the sting of reality
She'll never be anymore than a pretty tragedy

Her smiles are painted on in seven shades of gray
And her laugh doesn't reach her eyes, she's their Queen of May

Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display....

Desperate to Commit

2011-02-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

Right now I am sitting in hammer time and feel a little desperate

Desperate to play more
Desperate to sing more
Desperate to write more
Desperate to not be approaching the last round of CMC Live shows before tour prep starts

I came here to figure out how much I love music. To figure out if I could actually do something meaningful in music. To find out if I had it in me. Potential answers are: I love music. A lot. I can do something meaningful in music. It is in me. I just feel like I can't do it alone--I need someone to come do music with me and help me. But I think I'm ready to almost commit to the idea that I really, really want to do this.

Last Thursday was my second CMC live show and it was a pretty intense set for me. Very upbeat, rock music and I came out from behind the keyboard and just sang. Ultra scary for someone who has lived behind the keyboard her whole life. But totally worth it--I want to try it more. Sure, it wasn't a killer performance because it was way outside of my comfort zone, but it didn't look like it and with enough practice I could totally pull it off.

So. Just a little desperate to DO music. More.

Pen Snob

2011-02-16T08:47:00.001-08:00

Alright. Time to update I suppose. Today is Wednesday and tomorrow is Thursday. Which means today is rehearsal and tomorrow is CMC Live. And I finally get to play again. Rehearsals have been kind of crazy because we've added in 3 hour blocks of recording sessions into our schedules and the frequently conflict with rehearsal schedules so it's kind of a mess trying to figure everything out. But--I'm feeling pretty good about my set. The biggest challenge isn't going to be the music though (even though we've had lots of issues to iron out in rehearsal). The biggest challenge is going to be me performing. I'm not play keys on any of these songs and I feel awkward and naked without my keyboard in front of me. It's easy for me to become hyper analytical of my singing and just stand on stage without moving a whole lot, gazing into the rafters. So the success of Thursday night really rides all on my ability to be a performer.

I've also realized that it's weird that it's weird that I write songs and sing. I think it's weird because I think I don't see myself as a singer or songwriter. I think I see myself only as a mediocre pianist. But--I think I AM a singer and a songwriter. I think if I can make the shift mentally, start to thinking about myself and claim myself as a singer and a songwriter it will make performing easier because I won't feel like a fool or a poser.

Mostly that's it for now. I went emotional shopping yesterday and bought....pens. Yes, I am a nerd.

Take it to 11

2011-02-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

Wow. It's been a while since I've updated. Since I last played, we've had another CMC Live and I sang with Luke on that set. However, the feedback from Warren and a few other people was that while our parts sounded good separately, together it just wasn't that appealing so I don't think I'll be singing with him anymore. But that's okay --it's all about trying new things out and not taking constructive criticism personally. This Thursday is our next show and I'm playing keys for Josh. I'll also be making my debut on tambourine as well.

Next week I'll be doing my own stuff again--this time it will be three songs and I'll be adding in background vocals. I'm planning on doing two original songs, and a song that Mike wrote that we'll perform in my set because it fits better with my style of music than his. One of the originals is something I co-wrote with Zach. I've never co-wrote before and that's been a really good thing for me I think. I wrote the lyrics and had some pieces of melody and he brought in the music and made some melody suggestions and it's turned into a really great song. I'm really excited because I'm going to be trying to do some more edgy rock sounds and its' going to be challenging because I'm really having to focus on my delivery and how I'm singing. For the style of music I want to be doing, my voice is currently too nice and pretty. So, my self-assigned homework is to listen to a variety of female vocalists and then do some experimenting with my voice.

Also--I'm doing one, if not two, songs without playing any instruments--I'm coming out from the piano. That's going to be a challenge as well just because I've always been behind the piano so it ends up being something I hide behind. But I think that will be a good experience for me.

I've been thinking about the difference between music serving me, and me serving others with my music. The different between emoting while performing and presenting while performing. I think until the last few days, I've only ever been concerned with what music is doing for me: how it's allowing me to process, me to feel, me to express. But I think I need to focus more on communicating and less on what I'm getting out of performing; otherwise I'm not connecting with the audience--and connecting with the audience is the whole point. It's hard though because my music is all so personal--there are stories behind everything I write and it's difficult to disconnect enough so that it's not all about what I'm feeling but stay connected enough to not be emotionally aloof--in order to connect I need to still feel. So. It's a lot of circular thinking about this but I'm really excited because I think figuring this aspect of things out will really help my performing.

Anyway. We're about to start recording soon I think and that's gonna be fantastic. Anyway, it's photo shoot time. See ya.

The Retribution Principle

2011-01-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

The first CMC Live=success. It was so much fun and I feel so good about my songs. Granted, I could hear next to nothing in the monitors so that made me just a little bit pitchy, but in rehearsals I wasn't pitchy so I'm not especially concerned that pitch will be a big issue for me, which is nice for once. Anyways, it seems like the songs were well received and that people like the overall sound I've got going so far--avoiding being just like Evanescence but with an edge that people are drawn to. I was actually more nervous for singing harmonies for Dan than for my set--and even that went really well. This week I'm playing keys and maybe organ for Tavis who is doing gospel music and then harmony and keys for Luke on one of his songs and I'm really excited for that 'cause it's a lot of fun to sing.

Tonight I've been trying to write a song for the last....three hours and this song is killing me. After three hours all I have are two....verses? Maybe they'll be chorus's. I don't even know--that's how little I've accomplished. But I just....feel something great happening in this song. It's about the retribution principle (the idea that the righteous are always blessed and the wicked are always punished etc) and what happens or what to do when that doesn't prove to be true in our lives and how that (can) change our view of God. It's a booger to write. But I've been thinking that Retribution Principle could be a sweet name for a band--my band--since most of my songs are about what life is like when the Retribution Principle doesn't hold true. Which is almost always.

Well. That's about all for now I think.

What the Cop?

2011-01-24T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well three rehearsals later and I'm really starting to like these songs! My band is great and Warren had some good suggestions during hammer time today. Tomorrow is sort of a day off for me--no rehearsal. But then rehearsal again Wednesday and then the show on Thursday. Anyways, I just wanted to share what Chris Belcher (drummer) wrote in his blog today. I don't mean it in an I'm-so-great way, but it was encouraging to read that other people like playing my music:

"Overall though, I love playing Karissa's music. Warren asked if she was going for the Evanescence feel, which is about right. Her vocals are incredible and her piano playing is so enticing and just so easy to play for. Plus the musicians in that band are just rocking and everything we are doing is fitting together so nicely. "

Yeah. That makes me wanna keep writing and keep getting better. Side note--a bunch of us were at one of the guys apartments playing Fish Bowl and the lady upstairs called the cops 'cause we were being too loud for 10:30 pm apparently. Whoops. I felt bad, but I mean really she could have just come asked us to be quiet once. Oh well.

Anyway. Looking forward to the show on Thursday!

Developing A Sound

2011-01-20T23:03:00.001-08:00

A common question the last few days as the artist-manager pairing process has been taking place has been what my goals are for the semester. What do I want out of the program? It's been harder to answer than you might think.

I'm not sure that I'm necessarily here to kick-start a career.
I don't know that I want music to be my career. I mean, if things head that way, great. But if they don't, that's okay because I'm content doing music as my hobby and passion. I was talking with a friend here the other night and he said that the appeal of fame for him isn't about money, status or being known, but simply the recognition of passion. I think that is true for me too. I just want people to know I'm passionate about music--my close friends, the ones who really matter, can know that without me having a big career in music.

I want to be a good songwriter.
I want to know why a certain spot in my song sucks, and how to fix it. I want to write good songs because writing songs is how I say the things I can't actually say. It's how I process. And I want it to be good. I don't need to write good songs because I'm all about sharing them with the world, I need to write good songs because I'm all about finding the best way to export all that takes place in my heart and mind.

I want to find "my sound".
My music has always just been my voice and the piano parts I write. But that's not a style or a sound--it's a scratch, the beginnings. I'm so stinkin' excited to be getting a band together and playing and letting us all collaborate to find what works best. Currently, I'm thinking of something edgy/rock/Evanescense-Amy Lee oriented. And I'm stoked about it.

Rehearsals for CMC Live shows start this weekend. I'm finding my niche of people--and it's a good one, I feel good friendships forming--people I feel comfortable around which is nice. Side note--Nashville gets 1/2" of snow and everyone freaks out. Lame. And--they ran out of salt so the road by my apartment isn't salted...just nice and icy and on a hill. Awesome.

I've met some incredible people and been to some unbelieveable places--like Blackbird Studios (the best studio in the world) and Emac studios, Reggie Hamm, Jason Halpbert, Nathan Lee...it just goes on and on and on...

Well. That's all there is for now.

We All Suck

2011-01-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

The silence has been broken. The first CMC showcase of the semester was tonight and I feel good about it. I feel like it was a good representation of me, and of who and where I am musically. The showcase is a two-night event where all of the artists play two songs solo to kind of, well, showcase themselves. The executives are busy taking notes etc and though I don't know for sure yet, I have a feeling that we will be getting those notes back and a sort of channel for feedback etc. Anyway, I was definitely very, very nervous to go but I just tried to listen to everyone before me without comparing myself to them, owning MY music and MY voice and MY style. And once it was my turn I just let loose and did my thing. And it felt good. And let's be real--now I'm out there. People know who I am, what I sound like, and are free to do with that what the will. But there is no more big question mark above my head and that has got to be the biggest sigh of relief I've felt since getting here.

Also. Let me just tell you. They've got an original Hammond and Leslie, and original Wurlitzer, and over $36,000 in speakers/subs alone just for the main stage. Double of all guitar amps so one set stays on main stage and one in the studio. Two drum sets--one vintage and the other the most expensive one Guitar Center had at the time. Recording mics worth thousands. Lights that will blow your mind. And a cute mascot dog. Seriously---the place is filled beyond believe with everything you could possibly want.

Last thing. First night of orientation, Warren ends with this: "I know what each one of you is thinking. Seriously, because there is only one question in each of your minds and that is 'Do I suck?' and the answer is YES, you ALL suck. But we are here to turn down the suckometer. We're professionals at it, it's what we do."

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling forward motion. I'm feeling a little more settled and ready to get going. Yep, this was a good decision.

Here I Come

2011-01-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

Nashville. Is. Coming. In ten days to be exact.

In some ways I am terrified. I have very few details concerning what my life will actually be like once I get there. I know logistical things, but I am clueless as to what it will actually BE like. I don't know if I will feel success when it's all said and done. I don't know what my day in, day out life will look like. It's a big unknown.

For so long I was actually sad about going to CMC. I thought about all the things I'd be missing in my last semester at CCU--the musical, choir tour, O'Malley's, School of Music Gala, friend's recitals, all of my friends and the good times we'd have hanging out. But then in a few days I'd get excited thinking about getting to go to musician disney land; several months immersed in the industry, writing music and recording it. Ultimately I've decided that there is no better way I'd like to spend my last semester as a college student. Regardless of whether I "succeed" or not--it is going to be a TON of fun--and that's half of what college is about. Fun, experiences, things you can't do again at any point in life. This is going to be fun, a phenomenal experience, and nothing will ever be quite like it. It's completely worth giving up my last semester for.

There are still a lot of unknowns. I know there are going to be times I am going to miss my friends at CCU and wish I was back for choir tour and recitals etc. But I also know than when all is said and done I will have made the best decision by going.

Nashville--get ready, I'm coming.

It is what it is

2010-12-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

I am alone.

I have friends, I have family, I have mentors--but I am alone.

I long for the days when that was okay. The days where I wasn't even aware that I was alone. Or the days when I knew it and didn't care because I was fine being just me. But unfortunately a little growing up, and a taste of what it was like to not be alone has brought the world the lonely, bitter and jaded person I can be. I don't understand how the only people who are ever interested in me are people I would never be with. How is that possible? How can I attract people from all different walks of life that are always the "losers" who aren't doing anything with their lives and yet I seem to like them. Or--I get people who are quality yet I don't find them attractive at all. I don't understand.

What I do know is that I'm alone. And I hate it. My content days are over, apparently.

I've been living with a well I didn't know was dry
Damn the wretched rain for showing me my need
And I didn't know my thirst until that first taste
And know I ache for more but the skies refuse to rain

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that you give

From deep within my well come the tears that I've cried
'Cause the deeper that I dig the emptier I am
And the walls inside my well are dry for they are cracked
And until they are filled I can hold no rain

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Quench my thirst with something that will satisfy, something that won't leave me dry
Quench my thirst--make it last for more than just tonight--make me feel alive

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Bjork

2010-12-08T00:47:00.001-08:00

As it turns out...I LOVE these lyrics

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love

2010-11-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have got to be the most inconsistent blogger in the world. Oh well.

I'm going to Nashville next semester and I'm so excited. I'm gonna spend the whole semester writing, recording and performing songs. I can't imagine a better end to my college years. Sure, I'm gonna miss my friends at CCU--but I get to go to musician Disneyland and get credit for it. It doesn't get any better than that.

Song Without A Title

2010-06-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

This feeling’s new—lonely
I never knew—lonely
But now I know lonely is

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like you do
When something’s right and no one feels like you do
When you friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause you lie alone instead of in their arms

And from your hopes come your words
But from your fear come your steps
And do you know how I feel

When something’s wrong and on one hurts like I do
When something’s right and no one feels like I do
When my friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause I lie alone instead of in your arms

Still I am loved
I am loved

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like I do (I am loved)
When something’s right and no one cares liked I do (By the Lord)
When my friends who try just aren’t enough (It’s plenty for me)
When I lie alone instead of in your arms (I am not alone)

I am loved

Shadows

2010-05-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

Welp. another song.

His broken heart in every lyric ever written
He is crushed every time she leads him on
There are no chains keeping him from walking away
So why he stays nobody knows

Move on he says he knows he should
But he’s afraid this is as good as it gets--no

Next time she says hello
Tell her goodbye for real
It might feel wrong but in the end you’ll see it’s right
‘Cause you’re hangin’ on too tight
To shadows in the night
It might feel wrong but in the end you’ll know it’s right

He’s halfway there took that first step out the door but
She cries I want you as my friend
Decision time will he take that next step away
He cries I’m not coming back this time

Move on he says he knows he should
Move on this time he’ll walk away--yeah

Lately Tonight

2010-05-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

Newest song. I just can't decide on the last line of the chorus. Just can't decide what I like better.

Lately you’ve been hard so hard to read
Lately you’ve been so hard to reach
Lately you’ve had so little to say
Lately I don’t know what to do

Tonight there's something on my mind
Something that I need to tell you
Tonight, even though you didn’t ask
Tonight, I’m gonna tell you that

I’m thinking that maybe this isn’t right
I’m thinking we’re not meant to be more
I’m thinking that maybe we should just stop where we are
I’m thinking that we’re better as friends (or “and go back to just being friends”)

Tonight I waited by the phone
Tonight I found myself alone
Your heart, well it needs some time to heal
Your heart is why I say...that

CHORUS

I wanna go back
Before it's too late
Before it's too hard
To turn around

I wanna go back
Before it's too late
Before we're too far
To turn around

CHORUS

It's like this....

2010-05-16T23:18:00.001-07:00

I just want to write a song. But I don't know what about. I don't know what I'm feeling.

There's this boy
He might like me
I might like him
Maybe

There's this heart (There's these hearts)
It might be healed (They might be healed)
It might be falling (They might be falling)
Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me

There's these friends
They might be friends
They might be more
Maybe

There's these friends
They might be more
They might just work
Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me

You're not who I thought you'd be
And maybe I'm not who you thought I'd be
But maybe we're who each other needs

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me

That'll work I guess. The second verse is ALWAYS the hardest to write. Gah.

My Well

2010-04-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

"It's like when you're dehydrated and you just want some really cold great water, but you drink soda instead--it's just not....right." That's something I said that kind of inspired this song I guess. And it's rather dualistic--'cause it's about my relationship with God...and this ever evasive other relationship.

I've been living with a well
I didn't know was dry
Damn the wretched rain
For showing me my need

I didn't know my thirst
Until that first taste
And now I ache for more
But the skies refuse to rain

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
The water I need is the love that you give

Quench my thirst with something that will satisfy
Something that won't leave me dry
Quench my thirst--make it last for more than just tonight
Make me feel alive

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
The water I need is the love that you give

Friends? ha.

2010-04-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well. I guess it's always good to find out what people really think.

Like finding out that your friends who have been encouraging you to pursue writing and recording your own music don't actually think you can do it. This being made obvious by the fact that they tell you to find lots of opportunities to play and record--but when an opportunity comes up to play--they tell you they think you're not good enough. Sweet. Never mind that the other people who are playing--half of their songs don't even have memorable or follow-able melodies. Never mind that they have the same "areas of growth" to the same degree that I do--meaning they're not much better than me in the first place. They're just--well, them. and I'm me. Which means I don't get recognized, just patronized. And them? Well they get recognized--and treated like the gods of the CCU music scene. Great.

Well. I should be done with my rant. I guess I'm done writing music for now too.

Unnoticed

2009-12-06T21:48:00.001-08:00

Unnoticed
By Until June

Raindrops falling on the rooftop,
leave me feeling lonely.
Left here sitting,
Left here on my own.
Poisen ashes fill my lungs deep with the sounds of silence.
Smoking lies of where to search for love.

And the years go on and on
And the days go by
Oh, and I was unnoticed.

Now I'm older
passed this over
Watched my life grow colder
Holding tighter, never letting go.

Well I need you inside cause I feel so untied and I don't know why,
no I don't
Well I need you inside cause I feel so untied and I don't know why,
no I don't know why
I was unnoticed

Exactly.

To Be Lonely

2009-11-29T22:20:00.000-08:00

I’ve never felt this way before

But now I know

I know what it’s like to be lonely

Does anyone know what it’s like

To be lonely?

It’s when something’s wrong and no one cares

as much as you do

It’s when something’s right, and no one cares

as much as you do

Does anyone know what it’s like

To lie all alone

When all you want

Is someone to hold you

To have friends who try

But just aren’t enough

To pray every night and wake up

Feeling the same

I’ve never felt this way before

But now I know

I know what it’s like to be lonely.

Joy, peace and patience. That's all there is to it.

2009-11-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God Himself. Now glory be to God who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream--infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. May He be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of His master plan of salvation for the church through Jesus Christ." Ephesians 3:14-21

Letting Go of Everything Good

2009-10-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

I want to follow You, but where You're leading me
I don't want to go
I want to follow You, but where You're leading me
I don't want to go

I know that in the end I'll be where I'm 'sposed to be
I'm just not so sure of this road You've put me on....but

I'm letting go of everything good
For the hope of something better
I don't know what lies ahead
I only know I am trusting You
So I'm letting go

This road is so full of questions that I
Am too afraid to ask
This road is so full of questions that I
Am too afraid to ask

But like a child, I'll ask them anyway
I may not understand your words, but Your voice is the love I needed to hear....so

I'm letting go of everything good
For the hope of something better
I don't know what lies ahead
I only know I am trusting You
So I'm letting go

Just a few thoughts.....

2009-08-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Just a few thoughts from things I have been reading lately:

Romans 13:10 "Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements." I just think sometimes we make "doing the right thing" way to hard. I remember a speaker at a conference once saying "quit praying for 32 days about what God wants you to do and as long as it is following what Jesus said was the greatest commandment, loving people, and as long as you don't have any blaring red flags going off in your head, JUST DO IT. Just love people already." (That was paraphrased but it was similar to that.) And I think this verse really supports that. I need to be better at that, because I make deciding what is the right thing way to complicated most of the time.

1 Corinthians 1:22 "God's way seems foolish to the Jews because they want a sign from Heaven to prove it is true. And it is foolish to the Greeks because they believe only what agrees with their own wisdom." How true is this....beyond the Jew/Greek divide. What are the things that trip people up about the way God is doing things? Usually because it isn't obvious enough or because they can't make it fit into their understanding of God. Well, change your understanding of God. God's plan is sometimes neither obvious nor within our comprehension.

I've always known gravity was real...

2009-06-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

I hate what comes natural to me.

I think there is faith to a greater intensity in things you once believed to be false or did not know existed than faith in the things you have always believed to be true. How can there be passion in things you have always believed to be true? How many people passionately believe in the force of gravity and go around trying to convince others of it's reality? But how passionately did Isaac Newton believe in the science of gravity once he discovered how it worked? How much time did he spend trying to explain it to others and get them to understand? How can you convince yourself of something you have been conditioned to believe by your culture and family values since birth?

I think that because I have been raised in Christianity, I am doomed to living as a Christian by default. Everyone reacts to situations and perceives things based on their life experiences, belief systems etc...and I always react and operate out of a Christian mentality without thinking about it. It's not even second nature, it's like first nature.

And I hate it.

Churches and Christian authors always talk about the path to acting like a Christian by second nature and having victory over our sinful nature--what a good thing that is--but I hate it. I hate it because it feels too robotic, thoughtless, programmed, routine and mechanical.

I don't want to believe because I always have, but I do. It doesn't make the fact that I believe any less real or true, just harder to be passionate about. It makes it harder to explain when someone asks you why you believe.

What reason can I give except that I have always believed because when it comes down to it, I just believe?

What motivation can there be behind the progression of my life-long relationship with the Lord other than that it has always been something I have given time, energy and thought to?

I've always known gravity is real and will always expect what goes up to come down, but it's a thought that never leaves the walls of my subconscious.

A dichotomy?

2009-04-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have learned something recently--

It is possible to be content and want something at the same time.

Now wait, I know this sounds like a "duh" statement, something you wouldn't even think twice about. But I feel like so many times in the Christian world we are told to be content and contentment is the absence of longing. But I simply don't believe this to be true anymore.

In what I call "Brio" Christianity (Brio maganize) young girls are encouraged to be content in being single and not obsess over wanting a guy etc...and even when they get older, it is considered some heroic feat of faith to be one of those girls who is completely content to just wait infinitely in singleness and not want a relationship. This has become idealized so much in our Christian circles, that it almost makes it seem as though those who want relationships are less of a Christian, not as mature. But I just don't buy that.

I am single. And I am content in that--I'm okay with it. But, at the very same time, I also want someting more as well--and I think that is okay.

I agree with the concept behind the "Brio Christianity" idea of not obsessing over wanting and relationship etc--it's not healthy to be consumed by something you want. But I also don't think it's healthy to supress a God-given longing inside of you and deny that is there out of some miscontstrewed sense of contentment.

This is why I think it is possible to be content and want more at the same time. These two emotions or states of being do not have to war against each other.

This doesn't just apply to relationships...it can apply to a lot of ares; careers, families, circumstances, finances, churches---the list is endless. I can be content with the job I have while still wanting more or looking for other opportunities. I can be content with the money I make and still hope to make more to provide even more for my family or give more to missions etc...I can be content with the way my church is and still hope for greater things for it. I can be content that I am single and still be looking for someone and acknowledge that's what I want.

Contentment is not the absence of longing, but rather, the ability to want something more while still appreciating what you have.

I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name

2009-04-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

I have recently discovered the band Tenth Avenue North and here are some of my recent favorite lyrics:

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

I just want to take a second and testify to how good God is. He always fills every need and is so good to give me everything I actually need. Lately, I have been in a place of feeling devalued, my self-esteem has taken some huge blows--and God has been so good to remind me in little ways, through small comments made by friends who think nothing of them, or by guys just treating me especially well, that I am valued and loved. He has built me up just when I needed it most.

"So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name"

Yes. Yes and yes a million times yes.

Serenity Prayer and Beyond

2009-03-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at at time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting He will make all things right if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

The first part of this prayer is so popular and most people, including until recently, me, don't know the second half of this prayer even exists. But how great it is--so many good thoughts in so few words. Obviously, the most thought-provoking part of this prayer to me right now is the part that says "taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it." That is so hard for me because there are so many times that I want to only accept the world, and especially the people in it, on my terms, when they are living in ways that I can handle, in ways that I deem appropriate or acceptable. It's hard for me when I can't see the end result and the unknown is my nemesis. It's like a thorn in my soul--I can't handle the unknown. But, I want to be able to take it one day at a time and accept whatever situation with the love, grace and understanding that Christ did while still maintaining His character lived out. Life is such a process--and it's about that journey and about the destination. Both matter. Both are important. Both are hard. Both are worth it. And I want to do both well. What good is it if I get to the destination and either missed out on the experience of getting there because the destination was all I could see, or, if I reach the destination frazzled and in a tizzy because I could never see past my current circumstances and then one day I am suddenly smacked in the face with the end? I want to get to my destination worn out from the hard work I put in, but not frazzled as a result of severe short-sighted, tunnel vision.

Equal to the Task

2009-01-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

My worship ministry class is amazing. We read the first chapter from the book Created for Worship by David Jackman and it had a lot of really good stuff to say--however, it was a slightly tedious reading so I'll skip to the two main, profound thoughts for me:

1. "The people of God are empowered by God in the context of their worship and in the ministry of the Word and Spirit that forms the matrix of their life as the worshipping community of God. Conversely, the discussion of idolatry throughout the Bible is predicated on the assumption that those who worship idols are seeking power from them, either for such blessings as fertility and fruitfulness, or for victory in battle and expansion of their empires. In this way the Temple-Sanctuary of God is the place of his people's protection and empowerment, while the temple-sanctuaries of the idols exist as sinful alternatives to this place of true empowerment." This was big for me because it gave me a whole new perspective and understanding of the degree of the severity of idolatry. I mean--the fact that I would choose to worship something/someone other than God is bad enough--but once I started to understand what a dangerous place that puts me in made me want to not only worship the right person, but it made me want to do it whole heartidly. In light of how big of a deal worship is, I am begining to think that a lot of the inner struggles in life, the struggles going on around us that we don't see in the spiritual realm are a batle for who we worship--worship including Sunday mornings from 10-11, our life style, the essence we live our lives out of, our church activities. Wow.

2. The book also talks about Jesus's role as a Davidid King, Priest and Second Adam etc.It talked about how one of the major responsibilities of the King of Israel was to lead the people in right worship. "His mission as the great Davidic King would hinge entirely on His worship of God. Its successful outcome woul be a worshipping people, led by His own faithfulness to the throne of His Father." Now--I'm not Davidic King or anything--I don't lead nations in worship--but I started thinking about my own role in leading worship and realized that in order to be the best worship leader I can, I must first be the best, most dedicated worshipper I can. In whatever worship ministry God places me in will "hinge entirely on [my] worship of God--led by [my] own faithfulness to the throne of [my] Father." This makes me breathe a little easier because it's not about me having all the skills and abilities and answers--but at the same time--knowing that my personal relationship with Christ will effect the success of my ministry is a humbling, exciting, overwhelming, challenging and intense thought.

These have been my thoughts the last few days. In church last week, the speaker encouraged us to ask God two questions "What can I do for You?" and "Lord, please make me equal to the task."

Indeed, Lord--make me equal to the task.

2.

The Most Perplexing Verse Ever

2009-01-19T20:02:00.000-08:00

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

I think that has got to be the most perplexing, frustrating, comforting verse in the Bible...at least it is for me right now. I mean, really, "Be still and know that I am God."...what am I supposed to do with that? There is no tangible way to be still and just know something. I mean yes, you can slow your daily pace, make time for God, for some people, God uses this verse to call them out of the daily grind of ministry--but for me it's not about that. And I don't what it is about. This verse has been coming up in conversations, devotions, class assignments...everywhere...for around 8 months and I just don't know what it is God is trying to tell me through it.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am God.

What does that mean? I know what the stinkin' English words mean, but what does it mean for me? There's such a comforting sense to the verse in the assurance that God is God and we are not--but at the same time what does that leave us to do?

Be still and know that I am God...

ok. and then.....?

God still loves you....

2009-01-19T00:41:00.000-08:00

I don't even use the blogger site much...but I can't go to bed yet 'cause the roommate is on the phone SO...may I just recommend the book Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson to everyone? I had to read it for my worship ministry class and it is fantastic. I could write books on each of the chapter of his book--but the most profound thought that I was left with is really a simply one, one that everyone knows subconsciously but it hit me hard this week:

"When your walk of faith is strong, God loves you. When your walk of faith is weak, God loves you. When you are strong one moment and weak the next, God still loves you."

It's a good thing, because I go back and forth between strong and weak a lot. But I am learning that that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

2007-12-16T12:10:00.000-08:00

God's answer to my previous post:

"And so the Sovereign Lord says" 'I am against all your magic charms, which you use to ensnare my people like birds. I will tear them from your arms, setting my people free like birds set free from a cage. I will tear off the magic veils and save my people from your grasp. They will not longer be your victims. Then you will know that I am the Lord. You have discouraged the righteous with your lies, when I didn't want them to suffer grief. And you have encouraged the wicked by promising them life, even though they continue in their sings. But you will no longer talk of seeing visions that you never saw, nor will you practice your magic. For I will rescue my people from your grasp. Then you will know that I am the Lord." Ezekiel 14:20-23

Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

2007-12-14T20:13:00.001-08:00

I hate living in this world sometimes. Everything is so self-centered. So fake and shrouded in lies. Everything is about getting ahead, being better, succeeding. Everything is about short-term relationship and sex. Our society depends on media like oxygen. There were four shootings in the last week--parents kill children and children kill parents. Scandals and rapes, drugs and alcohol....materialism, abuse in various forms, peer pressure and happenstance tragedies. I could go on and on, but the real tragedy is that no one else notices or cares. Our world is dying, running away from the one who created us and we don't even know because we are so enticed by everything around us. Why do I believe? What difference does is make? The world still dies whether I believe or not. So what difference do my beliefs and my morals and my decisions make?