Developing A Sound

A common question the last few days as the artist-manager pairing process has been taking place has been what my goals are for the semester. What do I want out of the program? It's been harder to answer than you might think.

I'm not sure that I'm necessarily here to kick-start a career.
I don't know that I want music to be my career. I mean, if things head that way, great. But if they don't, that's okay because I'm content doing music as my hobby and passion. I was talking with a friend here the other night and he said that the appeal of fame for him isn't about money, status or being known, but simply the recognition of passion. I think that is true for me too. I just want people to know I'm passionate about music--my close friends, the ones who really matter, can know that without me having a big career in music.

I want to be a good songwriter.
I want to know why a certain spot in my song sucks, and how to fix it. I want to write good songs because writing songs is how I say the things I can't actually say. It's how I process. And I want it to be good. I don't need to write good songs because I'm all about sharing them with the world, I need to write good songs because I'm all about finding the best way to export all that takes place in my heart and mind.

I want to find "my sound".
My music has always just been my voice and the piano parts I write. But that's not a style or a sound--it's a scratch, the beginnings. I'm so stinkin' excited to be getting a band together and playing and letting us all collaborate to find what works best. Currently, I'm thinking of something edgy/rock/Evanescense-Amy Lee oriented. And I'm stoked about it.

Rehearsals for CMC Live shows start this weekend. I'm finding my niche of people--and it's a good one, I feel good friendships forming--people I feel comfortable around which is nice. Side note--Nashville gets 1/2" of snow and everyone freaks out. Lame. And--they ran out of salt so the road by my apartment isn't salted...just nice and icy and on a hill. Awesome.

I've met some incredible people and been to some unbelieveable places--like Blackbird Studios (the best studio in the world) and Emac studios, Reggie Hamm, Jason Halpbert, Nathan Lee...it just goes on and on and on...

Well. That's all there is for now.

We All Suck

The silence has been broken. The first CMC showcase of the semester was tonight and I feel good about it. I feel like it was a good representation of me, and of who and where I am musically. The showcase is a two-night event where all of the artists play two songs solo to kind of, well, showcase themselves. The executives are busy taking notes etc and though I don't know for sure yet, I have a feeling that we will be getting those notes back and a sort of channel for feedback etc. Anyway, I was definitely very, very nervous to go but I just tried to listen to everyone before me without comparing myself to them, owning MY music and MY voice and MY style. And once it was my turn I just let loose and did my thing. And it felt good. And let's be real--now I'm out there. People know who I am, what I sound like, and are free to do with that what the will. But there is no more big question mark above my head and that has got to be the biggest sigh of relief I've felt since getting here.

Also. Let me just tell you. They've got an original Hammond and Leslie, and original Wurlitzer, and over $36,000 in speakers/subs alone just for the main stage. Double of all guitar amps so one set stays on main stage and one in the studio. Two drum sets--one vintage and the other the most expensive one Guitar Center had at the time. Recording mics worth thousands. Lights that will blow your mind. And a cute mascot dog. Seriously---the place is filled beyond believe with everything you could possibly want.

Last thing. First night of orientation, Warren ends with this: "I know what each one of you is thinking. Seriously, because there is only one question in each of your minds and that is 'Do I suck?' and the answer is YES, you ALL suck. But we are here to turn down the suckometer. We're professionals at it, it's what we do."

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling forward motion. I'm feeling a little more settled and ready to get going. Yep, this was a good decision.

Here I Come

Nashville. Is. Coming. In ten days to be exact.

In some ways I am terrified. I have very few details concerning what my life will actually be like once I get there. I know logistical things, but I am clueless as to what it will actually BE like. I don't know if I will feel success when it's all said and done. I don't know what my day in, day out life will look like. It's a big unknown.

For so long I was actually sad about going to CMC. I thought about all the things I'd be missing in my last semester at CCU--the musical, choir tour, O'Malley's, School of Music Gala, friend's recitals, all of my friends and the good times we'd have hanging out. But then in a few days I'd get excited thinking about getting to go to musician disney land; several months immersed in the industry, writing music and recording it. Ultimately I've decided that there is no better way I'd like to spend my last semester as a college student. Regardless of whether I "succeed" or not--it is going to be a TON of fun--and that's half of what college is about. Fun, experiences, things you can't do again at any point in life. This is going to be fun, a phenomenal experience, and nothing will ever be quite like it. It's completely worth giving up my last semester for.

There are still a lot of unknowns. I know there are going to be times I am going to miss my friends at CCU and wish I was back for choir tour and recitals etc. But I also know than when all is said and done I will have made the best decision by going.

Nashville--get ready, I'm coming.

It is what it is

I am alone.

I have friends, I have family, I have mentors--but I am alone.

I long for the days when that was okay. The days where I wasn't even aware that I was alone. Or the days when I knew it and didn't care because I was fine being just me. But unfortunately a little growing up, and a taste of what it was like to not be alone has brought the world the lonely, bitter and jaded person I can be. I don't understand how the only people who are ever interested in me are people I would never be with. How is that possible? How can I attract people from all different walks of life that are always the "losers" who aren't doing anything with their lives and yet I seem to like them. Or--I get people who are quality yet I don't find them attractive at all. I don't understand.

What I do know is that I'm alone. And I hate it. My content days are over, apparently.

I've been living with a well I didn't know was dry
Damn the wretched rain for showing me my need
And I didn't know my thirst until that first taste
And know I ache for more but the skies refuse to rain

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that you give

From deep within my well come the tears that I've cried
'Cause the deeper that I dig the emptier I am
And the walls inside my well are dry for they are cracked
And until they are filled I can hold no rain

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Quench my thirst with something that will satisfy, something that won't leave me dry
Quench my thirst--make it last for more than just tonight--make me feel alive

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Bjork

As it turns out...I LOVE these lyrics

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love

I have got to be the most inconsistent blogger in the world. Oh well.

I'm going to Nashville next semester and I'm so excited. I'm gonna spend the whole semester writing, recording and performing songs. I can't imagine a better end to my college years. Sure, I'm gonna miss my friends at CCU--but I get to go to musician Disneyland and get credit for it. It doesn't get any better than that.

Song Without A Title

This feeling’s new—lonely
I never knew—lonely
But now I know lonely is

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like you do
When something’s right and no one feels like you do
When you friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause you lie alone instead of in their arms

And from your hopes come your words
But from your fear come your steps
And do you know how I feel

When something’s wrong and on one hurts like I do
When something’s right and no one feels like I do
When my friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause I lie alone instead of in your arms


Still I am loved
I am loved

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like I do (I am loved)
When something’s right and no one cares liked I do (By the Lord)
When my friends who try just aren’t enough (It’s plenty for me)
When I lie alone instead of in your arms (I am not alone)


I am loved