I hate what comes natural to me.
I think there is faith to a greater intensity in things you once believed to be false or did not know existed than faith in the things you have always believed to be true. How can there be passion in things you have always believed to be true? How many people passionately believe in the force of gravity and go around trying to convince others of it's reality? But how passionately did Isaac Newton believe in the science of gravity once he discovered how it worked? How much time did he spend trying to explain it to others and get them to understand? How can you convince yourself of something you have been conditioned to believe by your culture and family values since birth?
I think that because I have been raised in Christianity, I am doomed to living as a Christian by default. Everyone reacts to situations and perceives things based on their life experiences, belief systems etc...and I always react and operate out of a Christian mentality without thinking about it. It's not even second nature, it's like first nature.
And I hate it.
Churches and Christian authors always talk about the path to acting like a Christian by second nature and having victory over our sinful nature--what a good thing that is--but I hate it. I hate it because it feels too robotic, thoughtless, programmed, routine and mechanical.
I don't want to believe because I always have, but I do. It doesn't make the fact that I believe any less real or true, just harder to be passionate about. It makes it harder to explain when someone asks you why you believe.
What reason can I give except that I have always believed because when it comes down to it, I just believe?
What motivation can there be behind the progression of my life-long relationship with the Lord other than that it has always been something I have given time, energy and thought to?
I've always known gravity is real and will always expect what goes up to come down, but it's a thought that never leaves the walls of my subconscious.
