It is what it is

I am alone.

I have friends, I have family, I have mentors--but I am alone.

I long for the days when that was okay. The days where I wasn't even aware that I was alone. Or the days when I knew it and didn't care because I was fine being just me. But unfortunately a little growing up, and a taste of what it was like to not be alone has brought the world the lonely, bitter and jaded person I can be. I don't understand how the only people who are ever interested in me are people I would never be with. How is that possible? How can I attract people from all different walks of life that are always the "losers" who aren't doing anything with their lives and yet I seem to like them. Or--I get people who are quality yet I don't find them attractive at all. I don't understand.

What I do know is that I'm alone. And I hate it. My content days are over, apparently.

I've been living with a well I didn't know was dry
Damn the wretched rain for showing me my need
And I didn't know my thirst until that first taste
And know I ache for more but the skies refuse to rain

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that you give

From deep within my well come the tears that I've cried
'Cause the deeper that I dig the emptier I am
And the walls inside my well are dry for they are cracked
And until they are filled I can hold no rain

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Quench my thirst with something that will satisfy, something that won't leave me dry
Quench my thirst--make it last for more than just tonight--make me feel alive

My well is an ache in my heart for You
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
And the water I need is the love that You give

Bjork

As it turns out...I LOVE these lyrics

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love

I have got to be the most inconsistent blogger in the world. Oh well.

I'm going to Nashville next semester and I'm so excited. I'm gonna spend the whole semester writing, recording and performing songs. I can't imagine a better end to my college years. Sure, I'm gonna miss my friends at CCU--but I get to go to musician Disneyland and get credit for it. It doesn't get any better than that.

Song Without A Title

This feeling’s new—lonely
I never knew—lonely
But now I know lonely is

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like you do
When something’s right and no one feels like you do
When you friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause you lie alone instead of in their arms

And from your hopes come your words
But from your fear come your steps
And do you know how I feel

When something’s wrong and on one hurts like I do
When something’s right and no one feels like I do
When my friends who try just aren’t enough
‘Cause I lie alone instead of in your arms


Still I am loved
I am loved

When something’s wrong and no one hurts like I do (I am loved)
When something’s right and no one cares liked I do (By the Lord)
When my friends who try just aren’t enough (It’s plenty for me)
When I lie alone instead of in your arms (I am not alone)


I am loved

Shadows

Welp. another song.

His broken heart in every lyric ever written
He is crushed every time she leads him on
There are no chains keeping him from walking away
So why he stays nobody knows


Move on he says he knows he should
But he’s afraid this is as good as it gets--no


Next time she says hello
Tell her goodbye for real
It might feel wrong but in the end you’ll see it’s right
‘Cause you’re hangin’ on too tight
To shadows in the night
It might feel wrong but in the end you’ll know it’s right

He’s halfway there took that first step out the door but
She cries I want you as my friend
Decision time will he take that next step away
He cries I’m not coming back this time

Move on he says he knows he should
Move on this time he’ll walk away--yeah

Lately Tonight

Newest song. I just can't decide on the last line of the chorus. Just can't decide what I like better.


Lately you’ve been hard so hard to read
Lately you’ve been so hard to reach
Lately you’ve had so little to say
Lately I don’t know what to do

Tonight there's something on my mind
Something that I need to tell you
Tonight, even though you didn’t ask
Tonight, I’m gonna tell you that


I’m thinking that maybe this isn’t right
I’m thinking we’re not meant to be more
I’m thinking that maybe we should just stop where we are
I’m thinking that we’re better as friends (or “and go back to just being friends”)


Tonight I waited by the phone
Tonight I found myself alone
Your heart, well it needs some time to heal
Your heart is why I say...that

CHORUS

I wanna go back
Before it's too late
Before it's too hard
To turn around

I wanna go back
Before it's too late
Before we're too far
To turn around

CHORUS

It's like this....

I just want to write a song. But I don't know what about. I don't know what I'm feeling.

There's this boy
He might like me
I might like him
Maybe

There's this heart (There's these hearts)
It might be healed (They might be healed)
It might be falling (They might be falling)
Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me

There's these friends
They might be friends
They might be more
Maybe

There's these friends
They might be more
They might just work
Maybe

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me

You're not who I thought you'd be
And maybe I'm not who you thought I'd be
But maybe we're who each other needs

Maybe, just maybe, I could fall for you and
Maybe, just maybe, you could fall for me



That'll work I guess. The second verse is ALWAYS the hardest to write. Gah.

My Well

"It's like when you're dehydrated and you just want some really cold great water, but you drink soda instead--it's just not....right." That's something I said that kind of inspired this song I guess. And it's rather dualistic--'cause it's about my relationship with God...and this ever evasive other relationship.

I've been living with a well
I didn't know was dry
Damn the wretched rain
For showing me my need

I didn't know my thirst
Until that first taste
And now I ache for more
But the skies refuse to rain

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
The water I need is the love that you give

Quench my thirst with something that will satisfy
Something that won't leave me dry
Quench my thirst--make it last for more than just tonight
Make me feel alive

My well is an ache in my heart for you
To be by my side
My well is an ache in my heart
The water I need is the love that you give

Friends? ha.

Well. I guess it's always good to find out what people really think.


Like finding out that your friends who have been encouraging you to pursue writing and recording your own music don't actually think you can do it. This being made obvious by the fact that they tell you to find lots of opportunities to play and record--but when an opportunity comes up to play--they tell you they think you're not good enough. Sweet. Never mind that the other people who are playing--half of their songs don't even have memorable or follow-able melodies. Never mind that they have the same "areas of growth" to the same degree that I do--meaning they're not much better than me in the first place. They're just--well, them. and I'm me. Which means I don't get recognized, just patronized. And them? Well they get recognized--and treated like the gods of the CCU music scene. Great.

Well. I should be done with my rant. I guess I'm done writing music for now too.