On the CMC retreat in the Smokey Mountains. It's been a glorious, rainy two days that I have loved. My room has a California king sized bed and a jacuzzi. Ohhhh yeah. Very relaxing. Very needed break. Had some time to just journal and read and think in an uninterrupted fashion and this is some of what I have been thinking about:
Love is a selfish commodity. At least until you're married. Because love and relationships are all about evaluating how this other person fits into your life, how they make you feel, and trying to determine if they are someone you want around for the next fifty or sixty years. It's selfish until you make the commitment to no longer be selfish.
My life doesn't not look religious. I am not prone to being religious. I'd like to be real instead. But being/looking religious is easier to achieve, easier to define, and more readily recognized and respected by others. Being real is hard to define, hard to do, and frequently makes most other people uncomfortable. But I prefer reality to religiosity.
Rocky Mountains trump the Smokeys. No contest.
And lastly--we spent the afternoon in Gatlinburg after tornado watches passed and I wore shorts and a thin sweatshirt and moccasins. Not a good choice when it's pouring buckets of rain outside. We crammed 20+ people into a 15 passenger van. Best last semester of college ever. Real life will never compare.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Chewed Up and Spit Out
Well. The show last night was fine. But this morning I had one of the "profs" here listen to the songs I'm supposed to be performing this week (and one I'm supposed to record tonight from midnight till 6 am) and he said he didn't like anything about either of them.
so that's cool.
Here's the deal. I can agree with a few of the critical remarks he had, yes, the lyrics of one song could be clearer and tighter. But. I disagree. I think they are good songs. And I hope it's not just because they're my songs. Part of it is that he is only hearing piano/vocal take and I don't mean for them to be piano driven songs. I just wrote them on piano. They're going to be acoustic guitar driven, kind of....ambient/folk/driving/mesh of sweetness.
But it's conflicting and confusing. Do I take every bit of feedback they give and implement it all? Do I trust myself and just ignore most of what everyone else says? Do I only listen to a few select people--and if so--which people? Is it just a matter of personal preference/taste? Or is he right? He showed me two examples of songs he thinks are the sound I'm aiming for done correctly. But the thing is--one of his complaints about one song was that it musically didn't go anywhere, the changes weren't interesting. But the first song he played for me of a "right" example was Love Song by Elton John. Hi--that song has two chords. I don't understand. Am I just being tested to see if I have good musical intuition and if I will stand my ground and trust what I think? I have no clue.
This calls for a grande carmel macchiato sub cinnamon for vanilla over ice. Or a shot. Either one really.
so that's cool.
Here's the deal. I can agree with a few of the critical remarks he had, yes, the lyrics of one song could be clearer and tighter. But. I disagree. I think they are good songs. And I hope it's not just because they're my songs. Part of it is that he is only hearing piano/vocal take and I don't mean for them to be piano driven songs. I just wrote them on piano. They're going to be acoustic guitar driven, kind of....ambient/folk/driving/mesh of sweetness.
But it's conflicting and confusing. Do I take every bit of feedback they give and implement it all? Do I trust myself and just ignore most of what everyone else says? Do I only listen to a few select people--and if so--which people? Is it just a matter of personal preference/taste? Or is he right? He showed me two examples of songs he thinks are the sound I'm aiming for done correctly. But the thing is--one of his complaints about one song was that it musically didn't go anywhere, the changes weren't interesting. But the first song he played for me of a "right" example was Love Song by Elton John. Hi--that song has two chords. I don't understand. Am I just being tested to see if I have good musical intuition and if I will stand my ground and trust what I think? I have no clue.
This calls for a grande carmel macchiato sub cinnamon for vanilla over ice. Or a shot. Either one really.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Queen of May
"The May Queen is a girl (usually a teenage girl from a specific school year) who is selected to ride or walk at the front of a parade for May Day celebrations. She wears a white gown to symbolise purity and usually a tiara or crown. Her duty is to begin the May Day celebrations. She is generally crowned by flowers and makes a speech before the dancing begins. Certain age groups dance round a Maypole celebrating youth and the spring time. According to popular British folklore, the tradition once had a sinister twist, in that the May Queen was put to death once the festivities were over. " (Wikipedia "May Queen")
Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display
Subject to their prying eyes she cannot get away
Every breath she takes they speculate if it's in or out
She cannot move without consequence it's not allowed
Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen
Like an accident on the interstate, they couldn't turn away
Watching as she fell apart a little more everyday
So go ahead give them what they want, give 'em all a show
'Cause your chance at happiness left long ago
Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen
To live away from all the eyes and need no disguise
Never choke back another sigh and not fear goodbyes
Make believe couldn't ease the sting of reality
She'll never be anymore than a pretty tragedy
Her smiles are painted on in seven shades of gray
And her laugh doesn't reach her eyes, she's their Queen of May
Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display....
Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display
Subject to their prying eyes she cannot get away
Every breath she takes they speculate if it's in or out
She cannot move without consequence it's not allowed
Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen
Like an accident on the interstate, they couldn't turn away
Watching as she fell apart a little more everyday
So go ahead give them what they want, give 'em all a show
'Cause your chance at happiness left long ago
Her tears are a wishing well where others find their dreams
If she could make a wish herself, she'd wish to be unseen
To live away from all the eyes and need no disguise
Never choke back another sigh and not fear goodbyes
Make believe couldn't ease the sting of reality
She'll never be anymore than a pretty tragedy
Her smiles are painted on in seven shades of gray
And her laugh doesn't reach her eyes, she's their Queen of May
Like a porcelain doll in a magazine her heart is on display....
Monday, February 21, 2011
Desperate to Commit
Right now I am sitting in hammer time and feel a little desperate
Desperate to play more
Desperate to sing more
Desperate to write more
Desperate to not be approaching the last round of CMC Live shows before tour prep starts
I came here to figure out how much I love music. To figure out if I could actually do something meaningful in music. To find out if I had it in me. Potential answers are: I love music. A lot. I can do something meaningful in music. It is in me. I just feel like I can't do it alone--I need someone to come do music with me and help me. But I think I'm ready to almost commit to the idea that I really, really want to do this.
Last Thursday was my second CMC live show and it was a pretty intense set for me. Very upbeat, rock music and I came out from behind the keyboard and just sang. Ultra scary for someone who has lived behind the keyboard her whole life. But totally worth it--I want to try it more. Sure, it wasn't a killer performance because it was way outside of my comfort zone, but it didn't look like it and with enough practice I could totally pull it off.
So. Just a little desperate to DO music. More.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Pen Snob
Alright. Time to update I suppose. Today is Wednesday and tomorrow is Thursday. Which means today is rehearsal and tomorrow is CMC Live. And I finally get to play again. Rehearsals have been kind of crazy because we've added in 3 hour blocks of recording sessions into our schedules and the frequently conflict with rehearsal schedules so it's kind of a mess trying to figure everything out. But--I'm feeling pretty good about my set. The biggest challenge isn't going to be the music though (even though we've had lots of issues to iron out in rehearsal). The biggest challenge is going to be me performing. I'm not play keys on any of these songs and I feel awkward and naked without my keyboard in front of me. It's easy for me to become hyper analytical of my singing and just stand on stage without moving a whole lot, gazing into the rafters. So the success of Thursday night really rides all on my ability to be a performer.
I've also realized that it's weird that it's weird that I write songs and sing. I think it's weird because I think I don't see myself as a singer or songwriter. I think I see myself only as a mediocre pianist. But--I think I AM a singer and a songwriter. I think if I can make the shift mentally, start to thinking about myself and claim myself as a singer and a songwriter it will make performing easier because I won't feel like a fool or a poser.
Mostly that's it for now. I went emotional shopping yesterday and bought....pens. Yes, I am a nerd.
I've also realized that it's weird that it's weird that I write songs and sing. I think it's weird because I think I don't see myself as a singer or songwriter. I think I see myself only as a mediocre pianist. But--I think I AM a singer and a songwriter. I think if I can make the shift mentally, start to thinking about myself and claim myself as a singer and a songwriter it will make performing easier because I won't feel like a fool or a poser.
Mostly that's it for now. I went emotional shopping yesterday and bought....pens. Yes, I am a nerd.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Take it to 11
Wow. It's been a while since I've updated. Since I last played, we've had another CMC Live and I sang with Luke on that set. However, the feedback from Warren and a few other people was that while our parts sounded good separately, together it just wasn't that appealing so I don't think I'll be singing with him anymore. But that's okay --it's all about trying new things out and not taking constructive criticism personally. This Thursday is our next show and I'm playing keys for Josh. I'll also be making my debut on tambourine as well.
Next week I'll be doing my own stuff again--this time it will be three songs and I'll be adding in background vocals. I'm planning on doing two original songs, and a song that Mike wrote that we'll perform in my set because it fits better with my style of music than his. One of the originals is something I co-wrote with Zach. I've never co-wrote before and that's been a really good thing for me I think. I wrote the lyrics and had some pieces of melody and he brought in the music and made some melody suggestions and it's turned into a really great song. I'm really excited because I'm going to be trying to do some more edgy rock sounds and its' going to be challenging because I'm really having to focus on my delivery and how I'm singing. For the style of music I want to be doing, my voice is currently too nice and pretty. So, my self-assigned homework is to listen to a variety of female vocalists and then do some experimenting with my voice.
Also--I'm doing one, if not two, songs without playing any instruments--I'm coming out from the piano. That's going to be a challenge as well just because I've always been behind the piano so it ends up being something I hide behind. But I think that will be a good experience for me.
I've been thinking about the difference between music serving me, and me serving others with my music. The different between emoting while performing and presenting while performing. I think until the last few days, I've only ever been concerned with what music is doing for me: how it's allowing me to process, me to feel, me to express. But I think I need to focus more on communicating and less on what I'm getting out of performing; otherwise I'm not connecting with the audience--and connecting with the audience is the whole point. It's hard though because my music is all so personal--there are stories behind everything I write and it's difficult to disconnect enough so that it's not all about what I'm feeling but stay connected enough to not be emotionally aloof--in order to connect I need to still feel. So. It's a lot of circular thinking about this but I'm really excited because I think figuring this aspect of things out will really help my performing.
Anyway. We're about to start recording soon I think and that's gonna be fantastic. Anyway, it's photo shoot time. See ya.
Next week I'll be doing my own stuff again--this time it will be three songs and I'll be adding in background vocals. I'm planning on doing two original songs, and a song that Mike wrote that we'll perform in my set because it fits better with my style of music than his. One of the originals is something I co-wrote with Zach. I've never co-wrote before and that's been a really good thing for me I think. I wrote the lyrics and had some pieces of melody and he brought in the music and made some melody suggestions and it's turned into a really great song. I'm really excited because I'm going to be trying to do some more edgy rock sounds and its' going to be challenging because I'm really having to focus on my delivery and how I'm singing. For the style of music I want to be doing, my voice is currently too nice and pretty. So, my self-assigned homework is to listen to a variety of female vocalists and then do some experimenting with my voice.
Also--I'm doing one, if not two, songs without playing any instruments--I'm coming out from the piano. That's going to be a challenge as well just because I've always been behind the piano so it ends up being something I hide behind. But I think that will be a good experience for me.
I've been thinking about the difference between music serving me, and me serving others with my music. The different between emoting while performing and presenting while performing. I think until the last few days, I've only ever been concerned with what music is doing for me: how it's allowing me to process, me to feel, me to express. But I think I need to focus more on communicating and less on what I'm getting out of performing; otherwise I'm not connecting with the audience--and connecting with the audience is the whole point. It's hard though because my music is all so personal--there are stories behind everything I write and it's difficult to disconnect enough so that it's not all about what I'm feeling but stay connected enough to not be emotionally aloof--in order to connect I need to still feel. So. It's a lot of circular thinking about this but I'm really excited because I think figuring this aspect of things out will really help my performing.
Anyway. We're about to start recording soon I think and that's gonna be fantastic. Anyway, it's photo shoot time. See ya.
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