One Week Later...

Well, I've been gone from the CMC for almost exactly a week. It's been a weird week--I've been relaxed, busy and bored. Had a lot to do, and a lot of nothing to do. I've been reunited with friends and feel like I was genuinely missed by a number of people--a nice way to feel!

I've moved in with Natalie at her parent's house and I'm about half way unpacked. I have basically no motivation to finish unpacking however. Also--I have a job! And I will start working Tuesday which is nice that I can start getting hours so soon. It's at the gym that Natalie works at with the Little Kickers program so I'll be helping run kids day camp, soccer classes, child care and stuff. Not sure exactly what all I'll be doing but--I'm pretty sure I can get plenty of hours and it will pay as well as anything else I can get right out of school. So that's been a huge blessing.

It's been really nice outside the last two days which has helped my mood since I've definitely struggled with being sad and missing people from CMC. In fact--I think I'll go find something to do outside instead of be on this computer any longer!

Not What I Expected

I'm back. It's surreal. Denver doesn't feel like home today. I see people I know and it doesn't excite me like I thought it would. All I want is to be back in my family. The CMC.

Didn't know I was Lacking

I found support I didn't know I was lacking this semester. I have an amazing group of friends and mentors at CCU and I thought I was complete--that was all I needed. But I realized as we sat in a circle last night sharing our thoughts about the semester that I had found something I was missing before and I didn't even know it. The people here supported me in a way no one else has--it was about my music. People here actually had genuine interest in my music and what I wanted to. They were patient with me as I had an identity crisis and was Amy Lee one week, Carole King another and a female Damien Rice the next. Being supported here in that way made ME believe in my music and see myself as a musician, a singer and a songwriter in a way I never had before. This was exactly what I needed.

Time to Face Reality

The reality is
I am a mediocre songwriter
I am a mediocre singer
I am a mediocre pianist

I am a mediocre musician and more than likely this semester will be the highest point I will reach with my music. Put me in a room with people and I'll probably stand out as a songwriter, singer and pianist. But put me in a room with actual talent and I will not stand out--and that's just the truth. My voice--even if I were to dedicate a lot of time to working on it, will never have the kind of tone I want it to. It will never be an adequate medium to communicate the music I write--and that music is so hard for me to write in the first place. It doesn't come easily. I don't think I have a natural gifting for music or songwriting, I just love it.

But--if I'll never truly be stand out or exceptional, am I just wasting my time? I think the answer might be yes--but if that's true, then what am I supposed to be doing with my time--my life? I'm not really standout at anything.

Understanding Obsession

Maybe it's because the weather has been incredible this week or maybe it's because I slept the perfect amount last night, but I am in a wonderful mood this morning. I spent last night recording Not Coming Home and it is turning out fantastic. Joe learned the song about ten minutes before we started tracking and we've got three solid guitar parts, some hand percussion, bass and a scratch vocal. Ah. It's gonna be awesome. It's almost Damien Rice sounding which leads to further confusion about what "my sound" really is--but it's a great song nonetheless.

This morning I went into the studio and sat at the console. It can be a bit intimidating-but I sat there and stared at all the flashing lights and then, I opened a ProTools file. And listened. And then I opened another one, and then another. For an hour I just sat there opening my files, listening to them, muting and soloing tracks. I felt like a magician--but I was really like a toddler. Anyway, sitting there, I understood why people become addicted to the studio. I understood why they are obsessed with getting as much time in the studio as they can. Suddenly, I feel obsessed with the studio and music. I'm getting closer to wanting music enough to throw myself into chasing after it 100%.

Such a good night and it will continue to be a good day becuase I'm leaving for a Fitz and the Tantrums concert in a hour. Mmmmm. This has been a good, good semester.

Capo Gremlins

I think life after graduation is slowly coming together--at least for a few months. Right now it looks like I'll be moving back to Denver and living with a friend and her parents there. I'll be back about two weeks for graduation so I hope to get a head start on finding a job in that time. I don't have any plans past the summer yet, but I'm feeling good about living in Colorado through August right now. So that's good.

The theme of the next few weeks will be recording, recording, recording. I'm pretty excited about that. I just wish there was more studio time available. I have at least three or four more songs I want to get recorded before I leave which would mean I would leave with a total of seven or eight songs. I don't know where I'm going to find that studio time, but I'd like to try.

A few of us are going to Cincinnati Sunday to see Fitz and the Tantrums--I'm so excited! We covered one of their songs on tour in Tavis's set so it will be really fun to hear them play it. They're music is just so....fun. Gonna be a GREAT show.

Finally--I've been playing guitar a lot more recently. In fact, I've barely played the piano since tour. All my writing and fiddling around has taken place on the guitar. I'm developing some nice callouses for sure, but my fingers are really sore. I think it's helping my creativity to be on a different instrument where things sound and feel new still. Every time I sit at the piano, I just feel like everything I play sounds the same, it's impossible for me to come up with anything new. So guitar has been a welcome change. However, I swear their are gremlins in my guitar case that steal my capo because every time I open my case, the capo is missing and I have to go searching for it and always find it in the strangest of places. Damn you, Gremlins. Just lemme play.

Not Coming Home

Wrote this today. Really like it.

What if the best thing I could do for you, for me
Was walk away--could you let me?
What if today I said I wasn't coming home--I'm not coming home
Could you believe the best we could be is apart, you're falling apart

ooo let this distance be my love
ooo let the distance be my love

What can I say? I am not all that you are wanting me to be
I'm not enough--don't make me try
What can I say? Already been too long, gone too far
And the more that I say the more I am crippling you

ooo let this distance be my love
ooo let the distance be my love

What is the best thing I could do for you, for me?