To Be Lonely

I’ve never felt this way before

But now I know

I know what it’s like to be lonely

Does anyone know what it’s like

To be lonely?

It’s when something’s wrong and no one cares

as much as you do

It’s when something’s right, and no one cares

as much as you do

Does anyone know what it’s like

To lie all alone

When all you want

Is someone to hold you

To have friends who try

But just aren’t enough

To pray every night and wake up

Feeling the same

I’ve never felt this way before

But now I know

I know what it’s like to be lonely.

Joy, peace and patience. That's all there is to it.

"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God Himself. Now glory be to God who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream--infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. May He be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of His master plan of salvation for the church through Jesus Christ." Ephesians 3:14-21

Letting Go of Everything Good

I want to follow You, but where You're leading me
I don't want to go
I want to follow You, but where You're leading me
I don't want to go

I know that in the end I'll be where I'm 'sposed to be
I'm just not so sure of this road You've put me on....but

I'm letting go of everything good
For the hope of something better
I don't know what lies ahead
I only know I am trusting You
So I'm letting go

This road is so full of questions that I
Am too afraid to ask
This road is so full of questions that I
Am too afraid to ask

But like a child, I'll ask them anyway
I may not understand your words, but Your voice is the love I needed to hear....so

I'm letting go of everything good
For the hope of something better
I don't know what lies ahead
I only know I am trusting You
So I'm letting go

Just a few thoughts.....

Just a few thoughts from things I have been reading lately:

Romans 13:10 "Love does no wrong to anyone, so love satisfies all of God's requirements." I just think sometimes we make "doing the right thing" way to hard. I remember a speaker at a conference once saying "quit praying for 32 days about what God wants you to do and as long as it is following what Jesus said was the greatest commandment, loving people, and as long as you don't have any blaring red flags going off in your head, JUST DO IT. Just love people already." (That was paraphrased but it was similar to that.) And I think this verse really supports that. I need to be better at that, because I make deciding what is the right thing way to complicated most of the time.

1 Corinthians 1:22 "God's way seems foolish to the Jews because they want a sign from Heaven to prove it is true. And it is foolish to the Greeks because they believe only what agrees with their own wisdom." How true is this....beyond the Jew/Greek divide. What are the things that trip people up about the way God is doing things? Usually because it isn't obvious enough or because they can't make it fit into their understanding of God. Well, change your understanding of God. God's plan is sometimes neither obvious nor within our comprehension.

I've always known gravity was real...

I hate what comes natural to me.

I think there is faith to a greater intensity in things you once believed to be false or did not know existed than faith in the things you have always believed to be true. How can there be passion in things you have always believed to be true? How many people passionately believe in the force of gravity and go around trying to convince others of it's reality? But how passionately did Isaac Newton believe in the science of gravity once he discovered how it worked? How much time did he spend trying to explain it to others and get them to understand? How can you convince yourself of something you have been conditioned to believe by your culture and family values since birth?

I think that because I have been raised in Christianity, I am doomed to living as a Christian by default. Everyone reacts to situations and perceives things based on their life experiences, belief systems etc...and I always react and operate out of a Christian mentality without thinking about it. It's not even second nature, it's like first nature.

And I hate it.

Churches and Christian authors always talk about the path to acting like a Christian by second nature and having victory over our sinful nature--what a good thing that is--but I hate it. I hate it because it feels too robotic, thoughtless, programmed, routine and mechanical.

I don't want to believe because I always have, but I do. It doesn't make the fact that I believe any less real or true, just harder to be passionate about. It makes it harder to explain when someone asks you why you believe.

What reason can I give except that I have always believed because when it comes down to it, I just believe?

What motivation can there be behind the progression of my life-long relationship with the Lord other than that it has always been something I have given time, energy and thought to?

I've always known gravity is real and will always expect what goes up to come down, but it's a thought that never leaves the walls of my subconscious.

A dichotomy?

I have learned something recently--

It is possible to be content and want something at the same time.

Now wait, I know this sounds like a "duh" statement, something you wouldn't even think twice about. But I feel like so many times in the Christian world we are told to be content and contentment is the absence of longing. But I simply don't believe this to be true anymore.

In what I call "Brio" Christianity (Brio maganize) young girls are encouraged to be content in being single and not obsess over wanting a guy etc...and even when they get older, it is considered some heroic feat of faith to be one of those girls who is completely content to just wait infinitely in singleness and not want a relationship. This has become idealized so much in our Christian circles, that it almost makes it seem as though those who want relationships are less of a Christian, not as mature. But I just don't buy that.

I am single. And I am content in that--I'm okay with it. But, at the very same time, I also want someting more as well--and I think that is okay.

I agree with the concept behind the "Brio Christianity" idea of not obsessing over wanting and relationship etc--it's not healthy to be consumed by something you want. But I also don't think it's healthy to supress a God-given longing inside of you and deny that is there out of some miscontstrewed sense of contentment.

This is why I think it is possible to be content and want more at the same time. These two emotions or states of being do not have to war against each other.

This doesn't just apply to relationships...it can apply to a lot of ares; careers, families, circumstances, finances, churches---the list is endless. I can be content with the job I have while still wanting more or looking for other opportunities. I can be content with the money I make and still hope to make more to provide even more for my family or give more to missions etc...I can be content with the way my church is and still hope for greater things for it. I can be content that I am single and still be looking for someone and acknowledge that's what I want.

Contentment is not the absence of longing, but rather, the ability to want something more while still appreciating what you have.

I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name

I have recently discovered the band Tenth Avenue North and here are some of my recent favorite lyrics:

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

I just want to take a second and testify to how good God is. He always fills every need and is so good to give me everything I actually need. Lately, I have been in a place of feeling devalued, my self-esteem has taken some huge blows--and God has been so good to remind me in little ways, through small comments made by friends who think nothing of them, or by guys just treating me especially well, that I am valued and loved. He has built me up just when I needed it most.

"So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name"

Yes. Yes and yes a million times yes.